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Ever wonder why you're drawn to unavailable people? Or why closeness triggers panic? Your attachment style — formed in childhood — runs the show more than you'd like to admit.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations and behaviours in adult relationships.
Your attachment style isn't destiny — but it's a powerful default setting.
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment (~56% of adults)
Formed when: Caregivers were consistently responsive and attuned.
Looks like: Comfortable with intimacy and independence. Can communicate needs directly. Trusts others and self. Doesn't spiral when partner needs space.
Anxious Attachment (~20% of adults)
Formed when: Caregivers were inconsistent — sometimes available, sometimes not.
Looks like: Craves closeness but fears abandonment. Hypervigilant to signs of rejection. Needs frequent reassurance. May seem "clingy" or "too much." Struggles with anxiety in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment (~25% of adults)
Formed when: Caregivers were emotionally unavailable or rejecting.
Looks like: Values independence above all. Uncomfortable with closeness. Shuts down when things get emotional. Seems "cold" or "distant." Keeps partners at arm's length.
Disorganized Attachment (~5% of adults)
Formed when: Caregivers were a source of both comfort and fear.
Looks like: Wants closeness but is terrified of it. Chaotic relationships. Push-pull dynamics. Often connected to early trauma.
Identifying Your Style
Ask yourself:
- Do I seek reassurance frequently, or avoid depending on others?
- Am I comfortable when a partner needs space?
- Do I share my feelings easily or shut down?
- How do I handle conflict in relationships?
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
Anxious and avoidant styles often attract each other — and then drive each other crazy. The anxious partner pursues; the avoidant withdraws. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. It's a painful cycle.
Understanding healthy conflict patterns can help break this dynamic.
Can Your Attachment Style Change?
Yes. Research shows attachment styles can shift through:
- Secure relationships with partners, friends, or therapists
- Therapy (especially attachment-focused)
- Self-awareness and intentional behaviour change
It's called "earned secure attachment" — and it's absolutely achievable.
Working With Your Style
If You're Anxious
- Recognize that your alarm system is oversensitive
- Develop self-soothing skills
- Communicate needs directly rather than testing
- Build self-worth independent of relationships
If You're Avoidant
- Recognize that independence can be a defence
- Practice tolerating closeness in small doses
- Notice when you're shutting down and try to stay present
- Understand your partner's needs aren't attacks
Attachment and Mental Health
Insecure attachment is linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and relationship difficulties. Working on attachment security has ripple effects across your entire wellbeing.
You didn't choose your early experiences. But you can choose to understand and change their influence.
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