Here's a radical thought: you're allowed to say no. To your boss. To your family. To your friends. To anyone asking for a piece of you that you can't afford to give.
But if you grew up in a home where boundaries didn't exist, or where setting them was punished, this feels about as natural as flying.
What Boundaries Actually Are
Boundaries are the limits you set to protect your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. They're not about controlling others — they're about controlling what you'll accept.
Research shows that healthy boundaries are associated with better mental health outcomes, stronger relationships, and lower stress levels.
Think of boundaries as the difference between a house with no doors and a house where you choose who enters.
Types of Boundaries
Physical Boundaries
Your personal space, your body, your privacy. Who can touch you, who can enter your home, how much physical closeness you need.
Emotional Boundaries
Separating your feelings from others'. Not absorbing everyone's emotional baggage. Not over-sharing or under-sharing.
Time Boundaries
How you spend your time. When you're available and when you're not. The difference between "urgent" and "someone else's poor planning."
Mental Boundaries
Your thoughts, values, and opinions are yours. You don't need to defend them constantly or take on others' beliefs.
Material Boundaries
Your possessions, your money, your resources. What you're willing to lend, give, or share.
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard
If boundaries feel impossible, there's usually a reason:
- Childhood conditioning: You learned that your needs didn't matter
- Fear of abandonment: You believe setting boundaries means losing people
- People-pleasing: Your worth feels tied to making others happy
- Guilt: You've been taught that saying no is selfish
If people-pleasing runs deep for you, we've written about how to break that pattern.
How to Set Boundaries: A Step-by-Step Guide
1. Identify Your Limits
What situations leave you feeling drained, resentful, or violated? Those feelings are data. They're telling you where boundaries are needed.
2. Be Clear and Direct
Vague boundaries aren't boundaries. Instead of "I need more space," try "I need Sundays to myself. I won't be available for calls or visits."
3. Use "I" Statements
"I need..." "I won't be able to..." "I'm not comfortable with..." These frame boundaries as about you, not accusations about them.
If you're not sure how to phrase things, our guide on assertive communication has specific scripts you can use.
4. Skip the JADE Trap
You don't need to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. "No" is a complete sentence. Over-explaining often invites negotiation.
5. Expect Pushback
People who benefit from your lack of boundaries won't like the new ones. That's their problem to manage, not yours.
6. Follow Through
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. If someone repeatedly violates a boundary, there need to be results — reduced contact, ended conversations, or other responses you control.
The Guilt Thing
Guilt after setting a boundary is normal, especially at first. Research on guilt shows it's often triggered by violating internalized rules — rules that may not actually serve you.
Remind yourself: feeling guilty doesn't mean you did something wrong. It means you did something different.
Boundaries in Different Relationships
At Work
"I don't check emails after 6pm." "I'm not available on weekends." "I'll need a week's notice for that kind of request."
With Family
"I'm not discussing my relationship status." "If you criticise my parenting, I'll end the conversation." "I visit for holidays, but I stay at a hotel."
With Friends
"I can't be your only support person." "I need 24 hours notice before you drop by." "I'm not lending money again."
With Partners
"I need alone time after work before we talk about our days." "That topic is off-limits during arguments." "I won't tolerate being yelled at."
If anger keeps showing up in your relationships, boundary issues might be part of the picture.
When People Don't Respect Your Boundaries
This is information too. Someone who consistently ignores your boundaries is showing you they value their wants over your wellbeing. Believe them.
You may need to reduce contact, end the relationship, or get support from a professional — especially if it's a family member or partner.
Final Thought
Boundaries aren't about building walls. They're about knowing where you end and others begin. They're the foundation of healthy relationships — including the one with yourself.
Setting boundaries isn't selfish. Not setting them is self-abandonment.
References
- Marmarosh, C. L., et al. (2020). Boundaries and self-care in mental health. Psychotherapy. PMC7696636
- Baumeister, R. F., et al. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin. PMC3330161